Private space in a public place

Hello,

Do not expect this blog post to make sense. It is going to be rambles, for sure. But here is the one place left other than facebook, and facebook is not suited for this, nor do I wish to annoy certain people.

There is only one reason stopping me leaving right now. It would be better in the long run, for me at least, most certainly. But if I left, she would know something is up. And I can not tell her right now. I remember what I said to Shell, which she agreed with.

Vampires. I remember when the last person who read this blog expressed interested in that area.

Careful. The wrong comment, at the wrong time, would reveal the truth. The diagram shows why, but different reasons could be guessed at. Someone to cuddle is always nice, and knowing you are unwanted, in the face of two people wanting each other – it is never nice. And seems to be common these days. But you are the one who shapes events, not he it seems.

Forever my job. I fix other peoples machines so that they can use them to talk / cam with other people. Sucks – I never get the benefits of the work I do for free 🙁

Meh. It is so hard, to both not burden someone who doesn’t need the extra weight, and resist the urge to do things I shouldn’t.

I remember the event last year. I was happy then.

Cuddle please?

Robert 🙁

 

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Downtime

Blog has been down for a while. It is now back. Both had reasons that I won’t go into now, but I may be making more posts soon.

Robert

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Memories 1

I remember…
Back in, well it most have been year 8. Both Tim and Ben had been made library moniters, from the group of friends I had which spent all their time outside, we didn’t really fit in outside. I felt quite left out, even then. I tried to create myself a place to fit in, I created a role that I seemed to fit in, as a IT support guy. I remember the day that the IT teacher told me basically that to fuck off, although the nice librarian had approved it, anything of that nature that to pass through her and she didn’t approve it. So I was once again left with nothing.

I remember…
Back in, well it most have been year 8. Both Tim and Ben had been made library moniters, from the group of friends I had which spent all their time outside, we didn’t really fit in outside. I felt quite left out, even then. I tried to create myself a place to fit in, I created a role that I seemed to fit in, as a IT support guy. I remember the day that the IT teacher told me basically that to fuck off, although the nice librarian had approved it, anything of that nature that to pass through her and she didn’t approve it. So I was once again left with nothing.

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Motivation

Hello all,

So. This my third attempt at making a blog post, each post on separate issues. I know how I feel, but I don’t know how to express it.

I guess I still don’t, but this time at least I am saying there is something there.

 

Yesterday, I took off my necklace for the first time in at least a week, maybe two weeks. In about a weeks time, I think 9 days or so, I will put it back on, as then I can change its meaning.

I was a fool, but nothing new there. On the upside, I broke my fall when I tripped up yesterday. Small steps I guess. I also said something I have wanted to say for a long time. (Wow, 9 days was exactly right!) Ok, so the scope was the day, but still.

I followed Step 1 and 2. Now what? I don’t know.

I guess Trigger is right, I am a pushover. Maybe Andy is right, I am too nice. However, there is the other side as well. I understand why you would run away…

I am sorry. Its not enough, but I don’t know what else to say. Someone said be the change you want to see in the world. So I guess even if others are going to fuck me over, then I need to fix myself before judging them.

I wish I had absolute faith in an idea. Any idea. But I don’t, and I think that it is comforting for those who do.

I wonder if this will still make sense to even me later?

 

Robert

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‘Whatever keeps you warm at night…’

Hello all,

I remember earlier today, at bowling. I bowling absolutly rubbishly, but I didn’t care for the most part. Something that is quite rare for me, at a competitive sport, to be doing badly, and yet still having a really good time. And I know why, and it was nothing to do with why others there might have been happy, to do with the lies that I have no choice but to tell all but two people.

Still, whenever I think of things ‘She’ does, I think of what I was told by my friend, back about 2 years ago. It seems her advice has always been worth taking, she was the only person who thought I might be wrong in the decision I made, and it seems she was right. I don’t begrudge the fact she is with him anymore, I actually realised earlier I have moved on, however she still has responsibilities she isn’t meeting.

My mind moves, with the thought of her now not talking to me at all it seems, of other friends I have lost over the years. I remember that Alison told me, back in year 1, that I should forgive myself for my mistakes, and not always blame myself. Yet, if I didn’t do something wrong, it seems they just found people better than me.

As I write this, my mind races, I find it hard to concentrate, and I had the weird distance perception thing a while back. How do I break this loop?

Robert

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Visibility of Posts and Other News

Hello all,

In line with site upgrades, certain more emotional posts have been hidden from the public domain. They will be back soon, but only to registered users. Why not register now, its free!

Admin

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Concepts of Concurrency Part 2

Hello,

I doubt this will be as long as my usual ‘rambles’ posts, as I need to be up in 4 hours, 15 minutes. I have a bowling competition, in Leeds, of all places. And yes, I realise the irony of this, although I don’t believe anyone does – me and my feelings on Leeds that is, not the fact there is a bowling competition there. More on this later.

Maths. A subject, yes. But talking about it does mean you refer to it at its base class. I referred, implicitly to statistics, and maybe if you were not certain what I meant, you should have stayed the fuck off my status. On the note of what I actually meant, aye – statistics. Statistics I don’t like, that place me well below average. Am I really that bad? OkCupid reports that, from guys, on average, 1 out of 3 messages are responded to. I don’t get anywhere close to that rate. Does this mean there is something wrong with me, as a good number of the people view my profile, but then I receive no reply? What am I doing wrong, I am expected to give advice, I am meant to always have an answer, but how can I advise on something I am failing at myself? And most importantly, how am I meant to believe Her or my friends, when they tell me I am a ‘good catch’, if the evidence, the logic says differently.

Her. Aye… I made a promise to one of my very closest friends, which I truly intend to keep, but it will not be easy, not easy at all. I don’t know what other light to look for, before I would be happy, then very sad, now it seems it will just be sad, sadder. Its not fair to the others who care about me, but I can’t help how I feel. I can not help but also fear the lose of those important to me, it is happened before. And before people told me just because it happened before it might not happen again, and yet it did.

What should I do?

Robert xXx

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Choices

Hello again,

I want to tell a story. There is a friend, who we will call Pandora. (To clarify, this is not the car that I am talking about!). She was with a guy, who will we call Michael. In a train station, she ODed on paracetamol. On my advice and urging, as I was miles away, Michael took Pandora to A&E, and with a bit of help she was fine.

Another events, using the same names (to refer to different people), then Pandora overdosed, Michael as soon as he found out took her to A&E. Another time, she feel unconscious for any unknown reason, he phoned an ambulance, made sure she was ok. He tells me he is not sure if she would do the same for him, if he did the same now. There is nothing I can do to tell, for only she can help him right now. I don’t want to lose him however.

Life is never easy,

Robert

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