Meh. I don’t know if it is change in what I am having, or what, but I have felt like a shell lately. A human, fully functioning, but empty, no soul.
There was a time a long time ago, about a year now. I walked with Amy and Anya, and explained to them I felt I had a spiritial issue. Maybe they believed me, maybe they humoured me. This is how I feel now, apart from it is not my soul in distress, but I feel as if my soul has left me. Maybe it has, maybe it is human emotion making me feel like this. But I feel like a shell for others, I feel there is nothing left for me, and now there is no me.
A bus crash, far away. People die. People are hurt. A loved one is surronded by his wife, and children. Who they are is not important, I see myself in the bed opposite alone. Should I fade away, time would take me. I am not saying I wouldn’t be missed, but I would be forgotten.
She makes more promises. Let me talk about Sarah D. She promised lots of things. None seemed to keep. Tears were cried as she lied to me. Denied the fact she lay with Raymond while I was away, with the one who proved to wish for the ends. Cried her innocence as she lied. How am I to know what is true?
Noemie is happy with Aaron. I truly wish them well. She didn’t wish to tell me in case I was jealous. I am not, as I screw everything up, Aaron will not. He will and does make her happy, I could not. It upsets me, maybe, but if she lied, when she lies, it upsets me more. And I want her to be happy, as she deserves. As I do not.
Others, others I know suffer more than me. How can I justify how I feel, I do not know? Maybe I can’t…