The blue circle is the same as ever. However, now I am nothing, worse than before. Although maybe this is a good thing? Couples I seem to set up never seem to go well, thoughout the years my meddling has caused a lot of pain.
I remember, back, over a year ago now, at Cecil, I was on the field with people I knew. I got pushed over by a chav, hurt my back, winded, etc, and noone cared. I walked by myself to the first aid office.
I am not totally alone, that I know. I would be very ignorant to say I was the only one like this. However, everything is relative.
For those who do you not me so well, or those who wish to refresh, I will explain a little about myself that I now know why I want to be in a relationship.
Back, a few years ago, I went out with someone. Maybe because I was a dick, maybe because of my past, I screwed it up, and lost one of the best things I had. Now, I am fearful of doing that again, not just within relationships, but within a lot of things. A lot of other factors also cause this, but none I will explain here.
I like being in a relationship, as it helps me feel attractive. Other time when I have been single, things with more and more girls have gone wrong, which I blame myself for. I start to feel I am not attractive, the only people who say they like me want something, or when they see more of my personality, that is too ugly, and thus they don’t like me. Being in a relationship helps counter that. I also seek to rid myself of the feeling that everyone has someone else more important than me. That, to a degree, is why I let firestorm use me, as if they are my most important person, maybe I can be there’s. Again, this helps me feel better about myself. This reasons, plus others, as well as normal reasons for wanting a relationship are why and why I blame myself if things go wrong.
To please people in relationships, and even in friendships, I am very loose with my money, resulting in being owed about £1000 currently, of which I can only see 1/4 being paid back soon, and this causes big money issues for myself. I try to do whatever the other person wants all the time, which is impossible, and causes me to crack every now and then. That, and trusting someone to talk about myself, results in me being labelled selfish, which starts the cycle again with me trying to hide inside more, and then cracking more.
At uni, I have friends, I have a close friend even, but I miss those from back home. Lectures I am starting to think whats the point, I am starting to lack motivation to do work, prefering instead to sleep or play games. But uni is only a small issue.
Back to relationships. When discussing with someone my mood other the week, for the most point it averaged at 0 where it should, with spikes and dips due to one person. However, I was being selfish with that, thinking of only myself, and now I have resolved that, I can feel my average slipping back to minus 2/3. This has all happened before, in November, and adds to the weight I am incapible of getting a relationship (or staying in one), I am unattractive, in looks, personality and soul, and I just annoy those around me.
Things continuly change, old friends grow distance, new friendships are made. Now, instead of protecting myself as I did in 2004, messing everything up, I protect myself in riddles and unsorted prose and poetry, the first two not unlike this. Those who ask me to explain simply, while it seems simple and easy to you, it is an awful lot harder for me, and something I find very hard to do. I do not do it to annoy you or because I don’t trust you, but too many people I have trusted have hurt me in the past, I have to protect myself somehow.
I finish on a quote. “While many will make you cry, only those who will not make you cry deserves your tears.” This may be true, but it is not something that will stop you crying.